Well here I am, 20 years old and I'm catching on to what I am truly passionate about. It's mind blowing how something so difficult ,yet oddly inspiring can transform not only my perspective, but my soul as well.
I receive comments from my amazing supports thanking me for my content and awed at how positive I am about going "blind". I want to be as relatable and transparent as possible to my audience and with that being said, I wasn't always positive or even empowered by my blindness. If we're being real, I hated myself for the first few years and I mean hated everything.
So needless to say, I've come a long way and wanted to share my journey and the phases of accepting such an unexpected change.
1. Denial
Well, what else was I supposed to do? After being diagnosed I knew my life was going to change and at that point it had already begun. In the process of grief denial is the first phase because I mean, as humans our initial response is utter shock. I experienced it myself, everyone will at some point in their life. I took the word Stargardts Disease and ran with it, apparently it was the thief that took away my eyesight. The why me's, it can't be true, there's got to be a way to fix this. All of it left me silent and numb. How could I feel so miserable about something invisible to the naked eye of society. One of the lowest parts of my entire life was then.
2. The Depression
Absolutely depression made her way in my life, in my mind, and in everything I saw. I was 15 when I was diagnosed, a very vulnerable time being a teen. I was tested mentally everyday and what made it even harder was it just sort of happened. I cried probably every single day. Not to sound like a sob story but I used to wake up every single morning and stare at this photo board that hung on the opposite wall from my bed. I stared at it EVERY morning blinking and squinting as hard as I could, just trying to distinguish the faces of friends and family or even read a word on a year old birthday card. Then, after my morning routine of straining my eyes, I would cry some more and proceed again the next day. I watched friends go through the milestones of driving and enjoying high school as I just sat back and held up my baggage. My advice, cry as much as you need to. Talk to someone, anyone. Hell, write down your feelings. It won't cure how you feel, but it will dish out the clutter of emotions in your mind.
3. Uncooperative yet, processing
A few months after the bind bandit took my central vision, I had an overwhelming amount of support and resources (which I am extremely grateful for) and in that moment I wasn't easy to work with. My accommodations called for modified worksheets that were the size of billboards, I was shown tools and aids that were noticeable and at this point,I didn't want to be noticed. I didn't want to advocate or acknowledge my blindness and if anything, I kept it all private. I was trying to take it all in the best way I could. I'm sure no one thought I would come around.
4. Educating Myself
After about a year long period of feeling sorry for myself and being in a complete and utter rut, I decided to not just read up on my eye disease, but blindness as a whole. Google, YouTube, forums, support groups, you name it I invested research into it and little did I know getting educated was a turning point of gaining a tiny ounce of confidence.
5. Coming Around
Over time I put a little more pep in my step when it came to getting on board with this whole "visually impaired" life. I remember when I first began O&M training and got measured for a cane. Not cool, right? A cane? Was my vision really that bad? But here's where I got excited - I got to pick the color of cane tip. What color did I chose? Hot.freaking.pink.
I did this knowing that every time someone would see me with my cane I would make a statement and being "blind" didn't have to be a secret anymore. It was about damn time I nestled the chestnuts to get out of my comfort zone.
6. Embracing my eyes
Fast forward about two and a half years, I found myself embracing my eyes, myself, and my new community.
I successfully completed my O&M training, learned grade 1 braille, and at the beginning of my junior year, I lead my own IEP meeting with teachers. A very proud moment of mine. I cracked some blind jokes, talked about my condition and assured my teachers that even though I had accommodations, I still wanted to be challenged.
7. Going Further
I use to think that finding ones passion was just a cliché goal that no one in their right mind would ever find. I'm passionate about sleeping, but that gets me no where. I took such a crap life change and turned it into love, empowerment, motivation and perspective. I launched my blog in 2018 and created my YouTube channel in January of this year. And who cares, I could have 1 or maybe even 5 viewers/readers and still be content with that because I run my platforms for 3 major reasons:
1. It's therapeutic for me.
2.I want to reach others in some way from at LEAST one of my postings.
3. I love telling my story and embracing this part of me.
8. Accepting It
Yep, I even went as far as getting "visionary" tattooed on my abdomen.(Don't worry, it's spelled right lol). I accepted it. There's no advice I can give you and I'm sorry if I sound like a lazy hippie, but it just sort of happened. When you know you just know. So here I am.
Again, I'm freaking human. I don't believe I'm the bee's knees even if someone wants to assure me otherwise, I'm not (Just kidding I am, but in my own way). Let's also make it VERY clear that I am not a positive polly 24/7 because I DO have those crappy, "cry because I need to" kind of days. What I'm trying to get at is you don't need to be blind to pick up what I'm putting down. I transformed something so raw and negative and made my way to a place of comfort- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I did and somewhere got here, a place that I love. ❤️
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